my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
