Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
