I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
