mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
