i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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