I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
