Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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