FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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