Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
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I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you never un-have a 4some
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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