This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
