shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
