I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
