I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
