Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
