I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Green mimosas i think yes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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