My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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