Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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