The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
