Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
