so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
