I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
