WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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