Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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