I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
