A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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