Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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