my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
