You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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