I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
