Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
