HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
