Are we in a gay sports bar?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
