you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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