you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
