ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I want a musical about memes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
