member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
