I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
