im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
