Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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