the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
