so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
