what day is it and did you see me today?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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