all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
