Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
