if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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