you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
