we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just want to make out with him forever
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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