but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
