why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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