You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
