Someone shit on the floor
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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