A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
